In follow up to my little photo tribute to Duke.. I realized after putting it together why Austin must be grieving so hard.

I figured he’d feel the loss.. like feeling insecure maybe b/c a member of our family up and disappeared on him.  I figured that it would shake his feeling of security.  Which it did.  The night after we took Duke in to the vet, he woke up crying and calling, “MOMMY!!” at 2 in the a.m. and wanted me to just sit and rock him for an hour before he would get back in his bed.  It has been a LONG time since he has been awake in the middle of the night for very long, usually just for teething, but he told me that night that his teeth didn’t hurt.  I figured it was b/c of the dog.  Well, he’s awakened in the middle of the night about 4 or 5 times in the last two weeks!  Always crying for mommy.  A couple of days after Duke had been gone, he was playing with a car and I heard him say “Bye bye, Duke… goin’ to the DOCtor!!”  Which made me burst into tears, b/c it was so sweet and innocent. And sad.  He was reinacting our trip to the vet, the last time we saw Duke. We had told him we had to take Duke to the Dr. b/c he was too old and sick to live with us anymore.

After we left the vet that day, he asked a few more times where Duke was and we told him, and he would say, “better go back and GET HIM!”  But he gradually accepted it.  I figured he might be a little clingy due to the security thing, which he was.  The day after we took Duke in, I had an appt. and then was going to take my Grandma to run her errands.. well I was gone for about 5 hours, and when I got home, he said “FANK YOU mommy for coming HOME!” and gave me the biggest hug.  Odd, yah.  Then 2 or 3 days later, I hadn’t even left the house, all day.  He helped me do something so I said, “Thank you Austin for helping mommy” and again he thanked me for coming home. ?????  Yes, he felt like the carpet was yanked from under him, I think.

What I didn’t figure on, was the tantrums.  Yes, he started throwing tantrums and SCREAMING.  I thought, “oh great, he’s finally entering THAT stage!”  Well, after about a week it disappeared.  A few days later I dug up a book I have called “What to Expect in the Toddler Years”.  It had a paragraph on death and loss and listed 4 or 5 things you can expect anytime there’s a major change in a child’s environment at his age…

1. Irritibility (did I mention how cranky he had been?)

2. Clinginess (ultra-clingy!)

3. Temper trantrums (ahh, so it’s not a stage he’s entering, thank you thank you THANK you!!!!)

4. Sleep disturbances (yep)

He had been exhibiting all of the normal signs.  I figured it’d rock his security for a little bit, but I was not anticipating all of the rest.  WOW.  I can’t believe that I was thinking that he would get over it fast b/c of his age..  I figured “out of sight/out of mind” for him maybe. Boy was I wrong.  I felt really bad for him, b/c he himself probably didn’t fully understand why he was feeling the way he was.

Even after the symptoms of all the behavioral stuff started going away and he was acting like his normal self again, it was still on his mind.  About a week and a half later, when he was doing better, all of the sudden he runs in the house one night and goes straight to the sliding glass door and yells, “Heeeeere, Dukie Dukie~Duuuke, where ahhhhhhh you?”  It was the sweetest thing.  Again.. sad.  I had started casually mentioning to him that Duke died, whenever he would bring it up.. well, it occurred to me that he doesn’t know what that word means.. so I took him aside and explained to him that “Died” means that Duke is gone.  He is not a dog anymore, we can’t bring him back.  A light seemed to click on in his eyes.  Then for the first time he mentioned naming another dog something besides Duke.  Before that he would randomly say things like “better get anudder Duke” or “better get more Duke”, and insisted that if we got a diff. dog, it would be named “like DUKE”.  Well, after I told him what died meant he said we could name a new dog Buttons or Tiger. (he said this looking at the buttons on my shirt.. and I oftentimes call him Tiger when I talk to him.)

Well, after this, things had been going swimmingly well.  He was back to himself, he was accepting that Duke was gone for good and could NOT come back…

Then on Sunday afternoon, we were in the car and he spotted Duke’s collar which had slid under the seat, left there from “the day” when we all took the last journey together in the car.  He got excited and said “Mommy!!  Duke’s LEASH!!!!” So I said “..yes, that’s his collar, remember when we had to take Duke to the Dr. and he died?  Mommy loved Duke, did you love Duke?”  He looked me square in the eyes and very adamantly said, “and I MISSSS him!!!!”  OK, I almost burst into tears that time, too, but was able to hold it back until after he went to bed that night.  It’s hurting me to see this little boy grieve.

Then that passed, and he was talking about getting another dog, telling me we better look at puppies, saying things here and there, etc. when he walks into the room yesterday (while I’m working on the little slide show I made.)  He saw the pictures and said “OH DOGGIES!!!…… Duke…..” and I could see his posture change.  Well, I needed to get ready for church so I said , “let’s turn this off for now, we can look later,” and went to change my clothes and shoes.. he clung to the back of my skirt and was whining the whole time.  When I told him to stop whining, he burst into tears. When he stopped crying, I tried talking to him and he burst into tears again, muttering something about my shoes.  He was absolutely beside himself that I was changing my shoes.  Then through his tears, he insisted that I tie the sweater around my waist again. (I had been wearing it like that all day.)  He was acting so irrational and not like himself.. it had to be from seeing the pictures on the computer of him and Duke together.  That was all the change he could handle at that moment, and he wanted everything else to stay THE SAME!!!  So I wore my dirty shoes and sweater to church to console him.. When we got to church, Chris went to get him out of the truck and he started crying and wanted me to do it.. I asked him if he was okay, and if he was upset about Duke, and he looked at me with possibly the saddest look I’ve ever seen, like he might cry, and said “better bring him home..”  I sad we can’t remember? and he just kept looking at me and said “(sniff sniff)bring him home”.  OKAY.  We almost had to turn around and come back home b/c I was on the verge of the big ugly cry again.  It was soo sad.  He hung onto me for a long time.

He seems to be doing okay today.. he got better after he got his mind off of it last night.  Today he found a little tiny plastic dog in his toybox and started calling it his Duke.  I’m gonna go along with that.  He needs something to direct his Duke feelings to.  I think we will end up with another dog sooner than we thought we would.  This little boy seems to need one.  He has never known our family to be without one.  Since he was born, our family has always been a mommy/daddy/dog and baby.

When I put the pics together, I realized that it’s no wonder, Duke was always right there by his side since he was born.  From sniffing him or licking him when he was a baby, to watching over him while he played as he got older.  All of those pics of them together were not posed, sure a few were, where Austin is propped next to him or something.  But the rest, that is just how it was.  He was next to Duke or Duke was next to him.  So, while I’m SURE that Duke is better off (he was suffering so much at the end), now and then I feel the overwhelming urge to cry, not for my loss, but for the loss that my little boy feels, and doesn’t fully understand.  It’s a process, and I’m sure he’ll get over it soon, but in the meantime, I think we will be starting to think about a puppy..

I’ve been wanting to do this for a while, but haven’t had the time or energy to sit and go through these photos on the computer… We lost our dog, Duke on June 22nd.  He was almost 13 years old.  He was just a puppy when I met my husband.  We really got to know each other taking him for walks.  All these years later, he was a big part of our lives.  Saw many changes.  Protected me and made me feel safe when I lived alone..  it was while walking the dog that Chris, my husband, proposed to me.., he was there when I sold my house and moved into Chris’s house, when we brought our baby home from the hospital, and when we moved to the house we now live in.  I feel lucky to have had such a good dog.  He taught Austin a love for animals and how to be gentle and kind to the elderly since he was already a “senior” when Austin was born.  He was such an easygoing dog.  Anyway, here is my little tribute to him, along with some listening enjoyment..  We will always love our Duke the Dog!

The last weekend of our trip to MO, we spent at my bro. Kevin’s with his family.. including the ever popular Cousin Cameron.  Austin had such a big boy crush on his older cousin, he followed him like a little shadow, wanting to be just like him.  Whenever Cameron (who is 9, almost 10) would sneak off to play his video games, Austin would wander around the house calling out, “Cousin Cammon, where ahhhh you?”  I once asked Cameron if he were annoyed by or tired of this and he replied, “No, it feels pretty good to be worshipped.” LOL  Clever comeback.   The day before we left to fly home, Aunt “Shill” (Cheryl) took us all to Crown Center in KC.. what a neat place.  It’s a shopping center in the downtown area, named for the Hallmark Headquarters which are located in KC.  Austin really liked this place.. so much that the next day when I told him to get in Granny&Grandpa’s car, it was time to go to the airport, he said, “No, get in Aunt Shill’s car.”  (b/c it had taken us to the fun places the day before. )

Here are some of the highlights.

Lego Exhibit

Mom and Dad going in..

giant sunflower

Aunt Cheryl couldn’t resist touching the big Monopoly game (until Cameron pointed out the “do not touch” signs)  LOL

This is life size, and all legos, even the floor..

This was one of my favorites..

GIANT hand, with pretty pink fingernails..

This was my other fave.. he’s ripping open his lego chest and legos are falling out.. weird but cool.

And the real reason we trekked over to Crown Center was to take Austin to the best ever restaurant for little boys who like trains.. Fritz’s Diner~here are some pics of the entry.. yes, that is a big “ding-ding crossing” as Austin calls it..

The train and the two “cars” behind it that you can sit in for pictures..

Okay, that was just the outside entrance~here are some pics of the inside..

Model train running between the booths.. Austin likey alot!

Paper hats that they give everyone to wear if it is your first time there.. we didn’t really play along, although a table of four young business men across the way were wearing theirs the whole time..   Austin just wore his for the picture, barely.. he is taking it off as I’m clicking, he’s not into hats these days.

To be Continued… (I was uploading more photos but for some reason it is not working right now.. so I’ll have to continue this later) Oh wait!  I found them.. don’t know why this glitch is happening.. but I found them and they are there.. just had to look for them in a different place.. weird.. but anyhow..

The big deal about this diner is that there is a track that goes around near the ceiling that a little train (with a plastic bin underneath it) goes around on.  When it gets to your table, which they’ve somehow programmed it for, a little arm goes down, or something like that, and causes the bin with your food in it to drop onto a little dolly — which lowers it to your table.  You also pick up a phone at your table and give your order straight to the kitchen which is kind of fun.  The food is mediocre but the atmoshpere.. can’t be beat if you have a little train lover.. kind of fun for adults too!

Mom won’t like me posting this next picture, but you can see the little train on the track on the far back wall and the white bin of food below it about to be dropped onto the platform for that table and lowered down to them.  Austin got such a kick out of watching it go all around the diner delivering everyone’s food.

Dad retrieving their food..

Austin watching for our food to come down..

Here it comes..

Enjoying the food with Aunt “Shill”..

And the fun isn’t over.. also in Crown Center, they have a really big CRAYOLA store!  Also a really neat place.. with things for kids to do and learn and enough bright colors to blow your mind.

The GIANT color wheel of crayons, with every color under the sun.  No wonder they’ve run out of names and started calling them weird things like razzletazzle watermelon, etc.

Demonstration area of how the crayons are boxed and packaged etc.

Big magnetic tic tac toe board..

(I really loved this store!  So cheery!)

Big fun facts tower thingy.. don’t know what to call it really..

Fun fact boxes where you turn the knob for the answers to crayola trivia questions..

Little drawing station in the middle of the store..

Cousin Cameron clowning around..

Posing with his little shadow..

Oh what fun we had!!

Here are some other pics from the shopping center..

Walking in the parking garage with Cam..

Grandpa and his boys..

Riding the escalator UP & DOWN about six times!  Grandpa was very patient!

Waving at mommy from the top..

Crayola Cafe.. outside of the Crayola Store..

And a really neat toy store on the right with all kinds of cool toys..

Wow this might be the longest post ever but that was our day at the Crown Center.. great place, if you’re ever in KC!  Thanks Cheryl for taking us there!!  I want to go back next time when Chris is with us!

On the way to MO…. excited to see Granny & Grandpa!

(reading one of his library books)

and…

On the way home…

watching planes with G&G before we went through security..

..it always makes me sad to see my parents have to say goodbye..

after we went through security.. watching more planes, that is NEW big Mickey.. since I accidentally left the other Mickies in Joplin we had to go to the Disney Store to get new ones in Kansas City.. it was a near tragedy.  He had to sleep one night without them, but I had to repeat the same story to him three times before he would accept that they were at G&G’s in Joplin.  When he finally accepted it, he said very matter of factly, “get in car..go get them.” Then I had to tell him that it was too far and would take too long. (2 and a half hours, and at 10:30 at night no less!)  We went to get new ones the next day.  He’s very attached.

Enjoying an in-flight complementary beverage..  .. LOVE the lid and straw! I think I need to ask for the lid and straw for myself from now on!  No more spillage~

Chillin’..

Ahh.. nappin’..

Poor Daddy, I think he was really lonely while we were gone..

Towing his own “luggage”, had to be just like Daddy..

The End for now.

Okay, we are back home again.  Got home on Tuesday.  Had a great trip.  Will work on getting pics loaded onto computer and posted soon!  Thanks again Mom&Dad, love you!  Miss you!  And miss you, too W&D!  Please come visit soon! 

So much has been going on, just busy with day to day stuff, that I haven’t posted anything in a while!  Well, the little boy (he is really to big to be called a “baby” anymore! ) is napping, so I will try to update..

He is changing ALL the time!  Has become seriously attached to his big Mickey and little Mickey (pics to follow).. They go everywhere with us.. church (they behave very well in church!), the store-they ride in the cart with Austin, they’ve gotten strapped in the bike trailer and gone for a ride with us, they sleep with him.. and they even “watch Mommy kee-ult” …  He can frequently be heard talking to them.. “I LOOOOVE you, little Mickey!”  or “Big Mickey loooove little Mickey!” He talks all the time now, and we can even have short, albeit scattered and very funny, conversations. 

Have I mentioned I LOOVE being a Mom?  (In case I haven’t…) I LOOOOVE it!  The terrible twos aren’t terrible at all.. they are soooo fun.  As long as I stay consistent, he has been pretty easy to manage.  He hates if I make him sit on my lap for a time-out and “have a talk”.  So if he misbehaves I just ask him if we need to sit down and have a talk.  Another thing that works is if I ask him if he wants to go to bed right now, or if he wants to do.. (whatever I’ve told him to do.)  BUT, I’ve heard that the “threes” are worse than the twos, so we’ll see what’s around the corner.. it never stays the same, he is always changing and I am always having to rearrange my dicipline strategy.  Thankfully, though, he has a very happy disposition and I’m really hoping he can keep that through life.

He is picking up on things we say all the time now.. I think he’s heard someone say “How you doing here?” to us at church when they shake our hands b/c now he makes Big Mickey say that to little Mickey all the time.  “Little Mickey, how doin heh?”  Cracks me up.  He also makes them kiss noses all the time.. complete with smacking noise.  Wait.. this doesn’t qualify as my son playing with dolls does it?  LOL  He will also have big Mickey tell little Mickey that his yellow shoes are “ooo, per-iddy kee-oot lello shoes,” b/c I think he’s heard me say that about a pair of shoes.  Oh dear. haha

And this morning he found the nail polish after I had gotten him ready for church.  I heard him say “Mommy,mommy!!!!!” and I went in the room to see him with it all over his hands and the bathroom counter.  Oy.  I need to go and clean that when I’m done here.  We were all ready for church and everything.. so the silver lining to that is that his NEW shirt was spotless!!!  I couldn’t believe it.  I was so happy.  Didn’t want to have to get him all ready again, plus ruin a new shirt.

Well, I guess I’ll get going.. we are packing for a trip to Missouri to see Mom&Dad and the family.  Leaving on Tues. for two weeks! YAY!!  Maybe I’ll post some pics from over there… Must close with some pics for the grandparents. Love you guys!!

Little bed has the feet painted and on.. ALL done finally. And I had enough of his crib skirt left to make a little pillow sham to match.  He loves his bed.

Standing in front of his sock monkey quilt that I finally have in the frame.  The frame’s working out GREAT.  I have it about half quilted.  I’ll have to finish it when we get back from our trip.

Big Mickey and Little Mickey “watching Mommy kee-ult!”

Playing with my reading glasses I had to buy in order to see the stitching.. now that I’m 40, I’m going blind. haha And NO comments please Bryan.. you have been wearing glasses since high school, remember.

Enjoying Nana&Papa’s last visit.. Where’s Waldo, anyway?

Playing with the mesh hamper.. or as he calls it, “the cave.”  “Look, Mommy!  I in a CAVE!”

No need for a barber.. just get the Fiskars fabric scissors and some Tic-Tacs to keep him still, throw him on the bathroom counter and give him a butch.

Duke is aging alot lately..

One of his new favorite pastimes.. RUNNING around the house ’til he’s so tired he can barely keep from falling over.

When we went to get new phones the other day, the rep. gave him this balloon.. It was a hit!  He carried it around for over 4 hours without letting go of it once.  He even fell asleep in the truck holding onto it.. it ate dinner with him.. played outside with us, he went upstairs to find Daddy and it was still with him on the way back down.. he played cars while holding it, and watched TV.  It has since lost its air, and gone to the trash, and he was surprisingly okay with it.  But every now and then he will still say, “lello bawoon go in the TRAAASH.”  Like this morning in church, he said it. ???? LOL  His mind cracks me up.

Here he is having fun with some sidewalk chalk from Nana.. oh, and burning off some excess energy.

(Loves all things “railroad”)

Playing the piano, every now and then he takes a little interest.  I hope he likes it when he gets older!

And.. at my Grandma’s the other day..

He loves to run to her bedroom, get in this chair and “talk on the phone.”

And one more quilt.. this one I think my Grandma’s mother pieced together from various scraps.  My G-ma told me that one of the fabrics she remembered my mom having a dress of when she was a little girl.  I LOVE the bright colors!!  Austin liked all the colors too.

And just one more… here he is looking at a pic of my Mom as a little girl that my G-ma keeps on her headboard.  Love it!

Okay, and that is MORE than enough photos!!  Sorry for the overload.. that has been the last couple of months in pictures.  Thanks for stoppin’ by!

Well, last night Austin woke up at 4:00 a.m. (I guess I should say this morning)… WIDE awake, not going back to sleep.  Happy, though so that’s a good thing.  He got in bed with me and I asked him if he wanted me to rock him, or if he wanted to get in his bed, and he said, “NO..   BIG hug, mommy!”  (then he hugged me and grunted a bunch of times)  He did the big hug thing a few more times..  it was really sweet so I couldn’t complain, right?  But WOW, that is early to be up!  I think his molar might have woke him up, though.  #3 Two-year molar has popped through, and now there is a big lump where #4 will hopefully pop through soon!!  It won’t be soon enough… these have given him the worst time of all his teething!

The night before last he went to bed at 9 p.m. as usual, and woke up at 11:30-12-ish crying and kicking and screaming.  I tried to give him some Tylenol and he was just screaming and trying to kick my hand away.. I finally got it in him and he finally went back to sleep.  Only to wake up at 3:00 a.m. crying again!  This time I think I just rocked him for a little bit and rubbed his jaw and he went back to sleep.. my memory is fuzzy though b/c I was so sleepy.. I think I was on auto-pilot that time b/c I had to ask Chris in the morning if it really happened. LOL

Man, will I be happy for him when the last molar is in and the teething is done!  Hooray!  So the last couple of nights have not been the best nights sleep that any of us have had, that’s for sure!  But the light at the end of the tunnel is getting brighter.. I feel like throwing a “full set of teeth” party for him.

Let’s see.. that’s about it for news..  Oh, this week, we saw a kid from church.. he drove up beside us when we were on our way to story time and he was driving a tow truck..  his family has a wrecking yard/towing service business.. Well, anyway, he was waving at us, and Austin saw him, and the tow truck etc.  So now he always mentions it.. “I see tow truck.. towing car… car SMASHED!” LOL   He loves to see construction vehicles or read books about them.  The kid’s name is Joey, and Austin calls him “Loey”.. He is replacing a lot of his sounds with the “L” sound now..  He also calls our neighbor Mabel, “Label.”   This is really a fun age, though today he was a little up and down, moody, defiant and cranky, whiny.. etc.  I will sure be glad when the teeth are in.. that way if he acts like that, at least I will know that it’s not the teeth causing it.  Right now I just don’t know.  ??  Thanks for readin’.. here’s a pic or two..just more of the same.. nothing new really. 

Playin’ trains..

Big Smile..

Playin’ cars at the Sheepherding thing..

Happy Easter!!

My camera battery died yesterday so I did not get a picture of Austin’s Easter outfit but it was MUY cute!  He protested quite a bit this morning, lots of crying and ending up in a foul mood b/c I would NOT let him wear his jammies to church.. and then b/c his outfit had short sleeves and shorts.  He has been wearing long sleeves and pants all winter and is in a stage right now where he’s kind of obsessed with pulling his sleeves and pant legs down all the time.  So imagine his alarm when he couldn’t get his short sleeves down to his wrists, or his pant legs down to his ankles. LOL  He got over it pretty fast though.  I’ll have to post a pic the next time he wears it.. he looks like such a big boy.

So today in church he looks around all over and whispers to me, “Where Jesus at?”   Now apparently he thinks we’re actually supposed to SEE Jesus at church. With our eyes.. LOL

Okay, so Austin has heard the word Jesus.. in church.. in songs.. bedtime prayer, etc.  But he’s never really said it.  Other than to request his bedtime song, “Tis So Sweet to Trust in Jesus”, except he just says “Toe Sweet Peese Mommy”, so he doesn’t even say it then.

Until tonight..  we were on our way to church and I strapped him in the car.  I had told him we were going to church, so when he got all strapped in he says, “Jesus in church!”  I said what?  He said it again.. “Jesus in Chooch!”  ???  What in the world?  He is listening all the time!  The things his little brain soaks up..

So tonight, when we were leaving church, we were in the car again, pulling out of the parking lot and he saw some people outside, and he says.. “Bye, People!!  Bye Byyyeeeee Jesus!” as we’re driving away.  I was so cracked up!! 

Then he narrated the rest of the trip home..  “Red (light), stop. Wait.  Cars go by.”   “Green means go.”  “Left turn.” (and we WERE making a LEFT turn. ???) 

I have been sufficiently entertained by him this Saturday night!!

Can’t post without some photos for the grandparents.. so here are some extra random photos..

The other Sunday, we went out to lunch with Byron and Sue Franklin, to Boudin’s Sourdough, and the breadmaker gave Austin this little loaf of sourdough shaped like a turtle, just his size!

A couple more from the Border Collie/Sheepherding demonstration..

More playing with the wiffle ball and bat when we went kite flying the other day..

The end.

Leaving our house on the bikes..

Austin wanted to bring his wiffle bat along..

Blue sky, yay!!  It was so windy, the kite stayed airborn the whole time, even when it was almost reeled all the way back in!

Daddy letting him have the controls..(sort of)

Throwing his wiffle ball to Daddy..

I don’t know what this face was about..

Fixing the kite’s tail after the wind whipped it up pretty good!